Out of Body Experience

I FREAKED OUT!!!!

I tried, really I have been trying to talk to DB – and yes, I know that it is futile, but I can’t help but think that there is a good man in there somewhere and it is my mission to bring him back…..I could do it, I can save our marriage…I know this isn’t the end….I won’t LET it be the end.  There has to be something we can work on…some shred of US left.

Not for DB.

He told me in no uncertain terms – in that snide and egotistical manner —  “I don’t love you.  You and the kids mean nothing to me.”  But his actions speak even louder.  He’s started to ignore our daughter – he’s making a show of talking to our son.  He won’t show up for events when we need him here – heck he isn’t even showing up for dinner anymore.  And then to top it off, the cell bill came up on line….he’s over on his text messages (guess who he’s been texting?).  DB is also over on his minutes.  We’ve never done this – not between the two of us.  DB’s been talking to her every day on his way home from work – this is why we can’t get a hold of him even when MY daughter had an emergency at school this week.  Straight to voicemail. How can he ignore the kids?  He knows they look forward to his calls so they can “prepare” for him to come home.   He won’t even answer his email when I need something.  But wait, he’s been emailing her every night, every day, and it’s so bad that he texts and talks to her when he’s supposed to be responsible for the kids.

ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. How much can one woman take? 

It’s one thing to say we failed each other but failing his children is an entirely different matter.

So I waited until the kids were in bed and asleep.

I couldn’t take it anymore.  My entire body was vibrating with anger – I started shouting “WHY ARE YOU RUINING MY LIFE??? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?”  Then I did the unthinkable, I grabbed DB by the t-shirt and pulled him toward me shouting in his face. “You’re a pathetic, weak excuse of a man.  WHY do you insist on staying?  If you love SB so much get the hell out.  Leave! She can leave her husband and kids, you can leave us and go be one happy couple.  BUT GET THE HELL OUT OF THIS HOUSE. I deserve better and my kids deserve better.  I can’t even believe I married you….what do you even have to offer?  I HATE YOU!!!! Do you hear me? I HATE YOU!!! WHY are you RUINING my LIFE???”

During this rant I had grabbed DB by the collar of his t-shirt.  I wound my fingers through the fabric and tightly, securely grabbed hold.   I shook him – the entire time I was letting all of the negative energy out of me I was shaking DB by the collar.  I kept screaming “GET OUT!!!!”  I couldn’t stop  myself – I didn’t know where that pent-up anger had come from – all I knew was that I WANTED ANSWERS!!

But DB wouldn’t leave.  DB didn’t leave.  He just sat there and looked past me – he looked right through me.

I was so scared and stunned by my actions I started shaking.  Who was this crazed woman?

Finally, I grabbed DB’s face and forced him to look at me – “Get OUT!  Please leave us alone and leave.  Stop this and go – live your new life with SB,”  the words seethed pleadingly out of my mouth.  Then, beaten but stoic I walked upstairs, sat down in our bathroom, and cried.