Cleaning Up

Cleaning up glass from a Unilock patio, to say the least, sucks.  There were shards everywhere.  Finally, in desperation as the sun glittered off the larger jagged pieces, I hauled out the shop-vac.  And, no, it is not silly to shop-vac your patio when you know that the kids will be playing outside later.  Breaking glass may have been a an act in releasing negative energy, but the task of cleaning was frustrating.

During the entire clean-up process, I replayed DB’s attempt to mollify me the night before.  Really, the conversation just added to the roller coaster situation.

DB:  I love you and I don’t want to leave.
DB: We should work things out. I told SB on the phone that I really think you want out of our marriage.
ME: I am so glad you are having this conversation with SB.  Please just leave. Pack your things and go. We can work out the details later.
DB:  But, I don’t want to leave.  I want to stay here.
ME: Then, you have a choice.  You’ve already drawn so many lines in the sand.  Choose what you really want. Make that decision.  Let me know when you do.  We see Dr. X this week.
DB:  I want to stay.
ME: Then let’s figure this out together.  But we both need to think this through.

At this, DB took his phone and went upstairs.  What was a girl to do?  What I couldn’t figure out was/is why he’s staying.  How many outs does a man need?  Seriously, I mean it.

I know that our marriage needs work, but that means we both work on it. No more of the one sided-talk to a brick wall kinds of conversations like we’d been having for the last few years.  There was no way I could continue to pour out my heart while he CHOSE to make decisions that were destructive to us and our family.  There were a ton of choices here…so why wasn’t he making his and choosing to leave?  Why did he stay here, with us, making me wonder what his plan was.  If he truly loves SB then he should leave….and make it quick for minimal pain on both of our parts.  But he just sits around with a million ideas of how I should change and talks about what I need to do.

Marriage is a two-way street.
We need to be on this road together or not at all.

Because certainly, there is no need to cause anymore accidents.

Sleeping with his Cell

It was an exceptionally strange evening with DB.

He tried to engage me in conversation and was generally in a pleasant mood.  I had no idea about what was going to come next.  At nine we started to watch my favorite TV show…..during the commercials we talked and discussed what was happening in this new show.  I figured it was easy to go with the flow tonight because who knew what was going to happen with our next meeting or in the next ten minutes???

Without warning, DB got up with about 15 minutes left in the show and went upstairs.

WHAT????  Where was he going with time left in this super confusing show that you actually have to pay attention to? Why would he leave me alone when we were actually trying to communicate and having an ok time?

Then it hit me.  There was a pattern here. It was 9:45.

What the hell? Who did this man think he was?  Seriously, did he really think I wouldn’t figure this out????

BRING IT ON BUDDY!

Pausing my show I marched upstairs to the office, DB’s current place of residence, and threw open the door.  There he was looking shocked and guilty, with his cell hidden under a blanket.

ME: Give me your phone.
DB: No.
ME:  This is it.  I thought we were making progress.  But you’re CHOOSING to talk to her every night.  You do this on your way home from work and before you go to bed.  Do you know how ridiculous this is?
DB:  I don’t care what you think and you can’t stop me from doing what I want. (his phone vibrates)
ME: Turn your phone off and come downstairs. We can finish watching the show together.
DB: I don’t want to and you can’t do anything about it.
ME: Then, you are making a choice right now.  You are choosing SB over me.  You are choosing your relationship with SB over your family and our relationship to you.  Please leave.  Don’t stay here if you making the choice.
DB:  I can do whatever I want.
ME:  Fine. You’re making a choice.  You are not choosing me or our family. You couldn’t make that any clearer right now.  Stay with SB, live with SB, have a life with SB, but LEAVE US OUT OF IT.

With that I closed the door, stomped down the stairs and realized how angry, pissed, and frustrated I was.  I’ve taken this for too long!  I don’t deserve this crappy treatment or roller coaster lifestyle.  I have been especially patient!!! Other than the out of body experience I haven’t freaked out at all….not it’s all going to push me over the edge.

So I opened the cupboard and grabbed a bunch of classes we were given for our wedding shower.  Because, hell, our marriage didn’t mean anything so why should these glasses mean anything.  I also grabbed some bud vases and headed out to the patio.

One glass after another I smashed it on the back patio blocks.  I threw a vase at the siding and broke a piece off.  I couldn’t stop myself.

In the middle of my tirade, DB yanked open the sliding glass door and shouted “WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING???”

ME:  What the hell do you care?  I’m not hurting anyone or anything. (I continued to break glass as he stood there with his mouth open.)
DB: Cut it out!
ME: Get the hell out of here and leave me alone. You’ve made it quite clear you’re not interested and you don’t care.

I smashed all of the glass, came back inside, and unpaused my show.  WOW! did I feel better.  I have a mess to clean up but who cares….this is the first time I’ve felt free and relieved in a loooooong time.

As I settled into the last 15 minutes of TV, DB came down the stairs, and walked into the family room.

DB:  I feel like I’ve lost you tonight.

Taking Charge and Standing Up – the Middle

After returning home DB refused to talk to me.  He sat on the couch and seethed in his anger.  He stared off into space as I tried to get him to talk to me or engage him in conversation.  Nothing. Nothing at all came out of his mouth.

Okay – fine.  This is not how I wanted things to go, but I will give him a few minutes.
I went upstairs. There was no way he was going to talk to me right now.
He just didn’t get it.  People at work KNOW!!!!  Does he have any idea about what this means??? How our entire family could be seriously and negatively impacted??  It was bad enough that this was happening to ME and US…but now he was going to drag the kids into it – directly.   UGH!
I tried to get ready for bed.

Then, out of nowhere, my dad, who had been babysitting and hadn’t left yet,  came upstairs about 10 minutes later.  He looked worried and concerned. Then, he asked me if I was okay.
I didn’t understand what he was talking about – until I went downstairs.

On the counter was a note from DB.  All it read was “Leaving – Not sure when I’ll be home!”

Oh my God!  Where the *^%^#### did he go?

HE JUST CHOSE SB OVER ME – OVER US – OVER OUR FAMILY!!!

This is a defining moment for us and he chose to spend it with SB.  I plugged in my phone and called Lisa. I knew it was late, but I needed some back up and support.  Lisa was right there for me.  We talked through a million and a half scenarios.  We both knew DB went back out with his co-workers and that he was with SB.  But what was I going to do about it? How should I handle it?  What did I want to do about this line in the sand that DB just decided to draw?

I changed the locks on the door, plugged in my cell next to my bed, and went into a fitful sleep.

At 5:04am my cell phone rang.
DB was on the line.
DB was shouting that he couldn’t get in the house.
ME – I hung up the phone.
DB called again and began to spew horrible things out of his mouth about how I was an awful mother, wife, and person.
ME – I hung up the phone. I didn’t need to deal with this.
DB started to bang on the door. DB called again and threatened me, my father, and that he would take the kids away.

ME – I have never been so nervous, upset, and felt out of control.  I started shaking…my insides a jumbled mess.
I know that if I called the police DB will lose his job, the kids would be dragged into everything and witness more than I can ever allow them to see, there would be very little money, and serious repercussions to and about our marriage – pretty much it would never heal.  My entire stomach was in knots.  I didn’t know what to do because there was no real right answer here…there just seemed to be so many wrong ones.

DB stomps around the garage and calls again.  He states that he will take rocks and break the front windows to get the door open – this was his house too!”

ME – Worried that a neighbor would call the police or the kids would witness DB acting like an idiot – I made a decision and hoped to God it was the right one.

I opened the door.

Taking Charge and Standing Up! -the beginning

DB had a huge function at work last night.  He asked me to attend, but didn’t mean it or think I would show.

I did.

After much discussion with Lisa we agreed that I would show up dressed to the nines because SB would be there and it was her night to shine….she was responsible for half of the function and would really be in the spotlight.
So I left the kids with my father and drove all the way across town.  Lisa was my constant companion on my cell as we
plotted and planned about what I was going to do, what I would say, and how I hoped it would go.  When I arrived, with
some amazing confidence that I didn’t know I had, I walked straight up to the admittance table.  *^*%$@#@# I thought to myself, I didn’t know that you needed tickets. So I put on my biggest brightest smile and explained that I was DB’s wife and he was having a ticket held for me.
ME: Is there a ticket for me?
Door greeter: No, tickets were presale only.
ME:  Really, DB told me that I would have a ticket available at the door.  May I make a donation for the cause?
Door greeter: No, go right on in.

Step one – I am in.
Step two – find DB

I walked around for a few minutes and then located DB in the distance.  Shoulders back, I walked right up to him with a huge smile on my face and said hello.

DB was stunned and SEETHING with anger.  He could only spit words out through his teeth.  It was the first time in the 12 years I’ve known him that I was afraid that he would physically hurt me – he was that angry.
DB: What are you doing here?
ME:  We discussed that I would be here? You look great in your costume.
DB: I don’t want you here.
ME:
DB: I can’t believe you are here. What are you thinking?
ME: Well, I told you I would attend and you always say I need to support you more at work. So here I am.
DB: Leave.  How did you even get in?  You never liked my work. You don’t belong here.
ME: I told everyone I was your wife.
DB:  Leave.  I don’t want you here.
ME: I thought maybe we could go out after – for a drink – or coffee.
DB:  I have work to do.  Do whatever you want, but don’t expect me to pay any attention to you.

And with that I was dismissed.  DB turned around and left me standing there alone.
THANK THE LORD for cell phones…because I don’t know that I would have had the courage to stay there if it weren’t for the amazing technology of the text.  I immediately sent a  text to  Lisa…she told me to stay and that I could do this.

Okay –

Step three – locate at least one friendly face.

Step three accomplished.  I saw a co-worker who I was friendly with, Kerry, and we began to talk.  She invited me to sit with her and another of DB’s co-workers.  We chatted about nothing – all the while I wanted to throw up.  I have NEVER been so nervous in my entire life.

Then, SB walked by.  She looked straight at me – utterly shocked, turned on her heel and immediately ran over to DB.  DB and SB had a whispered conference with pointed fingers and all.

I mean seriously, is this middle school??????

With Lisa’s help, I stood my ground.  I watched DB interact with SB and look at her while she was presenting.  I never in a million years thought that this would really be happening.  They looked like a couple and watched each other like a couple. She took pictures of him, looked directly at me when she walked by, smiled and waved to her friends that were sitting near me.  DB just continued to glare from across the room.

I sat through the entire two and a half hour function.  At the end, I was so mentally exhausted that I wanted to just go home and die.  BUT, Lisa wouldn’t let me.  She told me to wait by DB’s office because he had to go back to his office and get his things.
LISA: After all, you are his wife.  He needs to deal with this and you cannot let SB take over.

Step four: Wait for DB and take a stand.

So I went to DB’s office and waited.

He rounded the corner with Chris, another co-worker, and you wouldn’t believe the stunned look on DB’s face.  In an instant it switched to vivid anger and even rage.  Since DB refused to introduce me to Chris – I introduced myself.  At that moment, in the eyes of Chris I knew that people at work knew what was going on between DB and SB – and holy #$%@@$% the repercussions of this were monumental for me, us, and our family.

DB: I have to stay and clean up.  Then I’m going out with everyone.
ME: Okay – we can go out. Which car would you like to take?
DB: I don’t want you to go.
Well, of course not you tool – you want to hang out with SB – how stupid do you think I am???  I’ve already come this far don’t you even think that this is going to end without you coming home.
Something must have clicked for DB because he told me he would be ready in about five minutes.

DB gathered his things and we walked out of the building.  He went straight for his car – didn’t talk to me, look at me, or acknowledge me.  It  was horrible outside and he watched me walk to my car as he drove through the parking lot.  When I made it into the car I realized my phone had died and there was no way for me to call Lisa.  I was on my own.  I can do this. I could do this.  My mama didn’t raise a weak and pathetic fool….I need to get a grip and fight for my family.  And damn it DB – you will not dictate what happens to me, us, or our family.

DB followed me home. We both walked into the house, but what happened next, not even I could have guessed.

Giving Thanks: part two

Overall the weekend was ok.  It was good and then it became frustrating and confusing, but ended up ok.

Thanksgiving went very well.  We spent the day with my family and didn’t see his.  Although DB invited his parents over for dessert, they declined the invitation to see us and the kids so they could go home to take care of their dog – even though they had a dog-sitter for the day.  Usually this kind of behavior sends me over the edge…I just can’t understand how anyone could put an animal over a human, but I know it happens all the time.  So I let it roll.  And, anyway, it gave me more time to spend with my family.  I was really proud of the entire lot of them – the were civil to DB and didn’t act up or out about the situation.  It was easy to see that DB was uncomfortable and testing out waters, but my family totally rocks…and they were themselves…kind, nice, and even friendly.

However, in a way, I knew my one day of peace was too much to ask for.  During the day DB kept creeping away to check his phone which would vibrate every once in a while in his pocket.  This is where I was shocked that no one in the family said anything.  It was much easier to ignore him.
Then, I went out shopping on black Friday.  I was unsettled from the day and waiting for a shoe to fall so since I couldn’t sleep I got up early and left the house.  During that morning, I know that DB spent time (over an hour and a half of time) on the phone with SB instead of playing with the kids.  The irony of this was that he begged me to keep our son home so he could spend quality time with him.

     Then, suddenly, on Friday night – DB’s head spun around and he spit out split pea soup!  He suggested we get the Christmas tree and decorate it this weekend.  I was wary. What did he want?  But, lo an behold, DB was on a mission.  He and our son picked out a tree that was at least 9 feet tall.  I was stunned. Do you know how much a tree like that costs?  But Scrooge was all about plunking down the cash – EVEN – after I told him that he had to put the lights on because there was no way I could even reach the top of the tree with a step ladder.  And miracle of all miracles, DB hadn’t even taken his phone with him when we went.
     Saturday night DB acted like a little kid putting on the lights, smiling, joking around, and even suggested we decorate the tree on Sunday before going back to work. 
Bah Humbug!
     I tried to put on a smile, but there were so many lingering doubts in my mind that I couldn’t quite wrap my head around what was going on.  I wanted to believe this was a new DB, but really know better.  The storybook character of Scrooge might be able to change in one night, but DB?  I don’t think he was haunted by ghosts.

So – I had to ask myself – Who is this man?
What happened to the cell phone attached DB?

But on Sunday, after spending the whole day with his side of the family, we decorated the tree together – all four of us.  There was no yelling on his part and no shortness of temper.
Was God giving me a Thanksgiving miracle?

I am wary, to say the least, about DB’s behavior.  There is always some kind of string attached to his being a family man. I don’t know when it will pop up, but maybe I should believe in miracles?

DB does a 180

Out of nowhere DB came home early from work.  DB walked in the door and was happy.  He seemed rested and relaxed. DB was smiling, laughing, and bantering.  Internally this sent me over the edge.  Happy?? Content?? Not exactly the words I would use to describe our relationship.

Interestingly enough dinner went really well. DB spoke to and engaged both kids in conversation, smiled at them, joked with them and laughed. BUT, my stomach was in knots.  After weeks and months of walking around on eggshells I didn’t know how to react to this new person.  I smiled, but my heart just wasn’t in it.  Why was he being so nice?  DBs behavior made me suspect….something surely had to be up.  What wasn’t DB telling me?

Then, in another interesting turn of events, DB volunteered to put the kids to bed.  There was a lot of giggling and smiles.  My stomach was doing another turn or two.  I wanted to be happy and I wanted to believe this was a step in the right direction. 

But – But – BUT

It’s like being completely paranoid and second guessing your/my/his every move.  What was DB doing?  WHY would he be so nice to everyone.

After he put the kids to bed DB dropped a bomb. 

DB: I love you.  I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I didn’t mean to hurt you or the kids.  I am going to try to be home more and to work with you on our relationship.

ME: (open gaping mouth)

DB:  I know it’s a lot. But I really want to work on being a couple again.

ME: (mouth still open but slowly closing because I knew I had to say something)

DB: Do you want to say anything?

ME: Ok. We can try. (my tone was shocked and ambivalent – what was I supposed to say to that?  It’s one thing to know someone really wants to try, but just yesterday and the day before, and the week before DB loudly stated and then in action showed me how much he didn’t love me and didn’t want to work on our family or our relationship.)

Ok then – let’s see what happens – let’s see if he can or WANTS to really do this?  Perhaps it’s a good thing I’m NOT a betting woman.

Taking the Day Off

A monumental moment occurred in my life this past week –>

DB took a day off of work.

The funny part is that both kids were in school, I was at work, and he stayed home.  He needed time and a day away from the stress of work.  This came from a man who NEVER EVER EVER takes time off – not when I am ill, not when our children are sick, there’s an appointment for the kids, and certainly never when he has things to do at his precious job because he truly believes that work won’t run without his presence.

What the hell?  Who was this man?  Seriously, this really sets me off.  Who does this man think he is – taking a day for himself??? I went to work and fumed all day at his audacity!  Literally, I have to beg the man to take a day off to help out with things at home.  And the man still comes up with excuses and won’t stay home.  What was he going to do with all of this time?

Well, here’s DBs solution to his problems.  He’s feeling stressed, he takes the day off, and he spends it drinking beer and watching sports on TV.  Now perhaps some men think this would be wonderful.  Hell, even I would like to spend a day of leisure at home, but somehow that never happens.  There’s always something for me to do.  In fact on this day after work I had to run to the grocery store, pick up the kids, and run another errand after I picked them up.

DB was completely useless when we arrived home.  I helped the kids with the homework, unpacked the kids things, and then started in on dinner.  DB sat on his butt.  This is the sad commentary on our marriage.  DB either isn’t here or when he is, he is useless. 

To top it off DB started making sarcastic remarks to the kids in his interesting and crazed state of awareness.  Now seriously, don’t mess with MY kids.  The man has crossed the line.  After putting the kids to bed, I came downstairs and was in full on attack mode.  But I didn’t even get to say a word because DB immediately started in on me, our family, and our home: 

DB:  I don’t love you, why do the kids have to do their homework before dinner?, why does dinner have to be at 5pm each night?, why can’t we just hangout after work and school?, I don’t love you (x2), you’re too demanding, you’re too scheduled, why can’t we just leave the dishes?, and finally I don’t love you (x3) and don’t know how hard I want to work on this relationship — I WOULD RATHER  BE ALONE AND NOT BE HERE WITH ALL OF YOU!

ME: Wow.  Then please leave. Get out of the house, pack your bags, and leave us alone.  I don’t want to force you to have a family.  We have two wonderful kids and are totally lucky, but feel free to leave.  It will be easier without you.

DB:  I don’t love you!  I don’t think I ever loved you.  SB knows me…. she understands me….I can talk to her about anything.

ME: You’ve known her for a few months.  If you want to leave then go. Be with SB if necessary, but get the hell out of this house and leave my kids alone. They don’t deserve this.  They deserve better than this and so do I.  Have another beer DB – drink those sorrows away.

DB:  I’m not leaving this house.  I can do whatever I want.  You can’t make me do anything.

ME:  You’re right, I can’t, but I don’t deserve to be treated like this.  Leave if you want. Stay if you want.  But don’t you EVER act like an ass in front of MY kids again.  Get over yourself.  Just who do you think you are?

And with that, I left the family room.  I was fuming!!!!  This  man is sooo infuriating.  Really, DB is just feeling sorry for his pathetic self – and damn-  none of us deserve to be treated like we are second class citizens!!!  Why has he gone off the deep end?  I was running over the hateful words in my head and overwhelmed by pain and heartbreak.  Why does DB hate me so much?

 However, as I turned the corner and began to climb the stairs I was aware of and disturbed by the patter of feet.

15 Minutes of Torture – The Refusal to be a Failure

     Asking for help is hard.  Talking about issues that are so deeply personal is even more difficult, BUT through all of this utter dismay, self-torture, and craziness I’ve been continuing to see Dr. X.   Even DB has been keeping his appointments and we are going together.

     Obviously if you read my last post, you know that I had an awful lot to discuss with Dr. X.  In fact, I called to get an emergency appointment.   Needless to say, I didn’t want to admit what I did and how I behaved – I am/was regretting my actions. NOT my words, but my ACTIONS.  I couldn’t help but feel that I had been possessed – truly like I had an out-of-body experience.  I really felt like my mom had come down from heaven and was putting in her two cents that night.

     Even so I kept circling back to these ideas:  How can I mean nothing to him?  How can I be the only one fighting?  How can he willingly throw away years of his life?  How can he have no answer for his behavior?

     This is where the 15 minutes of torture advice came in.  I know it wasn’t meant to be torture, but trying to discuss anything with DB was just that an exercise in futility, patience, and horrific torture.  The general idea was that we were supposed to spend 15 minutes a day talking to one another and if the conversation got too heated or we began to argue we were to stop.  Also, we didn’t have to talk about the relationship “stuff” but we were supposed to be reconnecting.  Now, I really do understand WHY this is important, but when you’re talking to a wall, or talking to air, or your partner is acting like a tool – it really is difficult to try to converse.

    It was utterly frustrating and even demoralizing some days, but Dr. X told me to stick with it.  And I have to say that I really trust and respect Dr. X because I’ve built a loyal connection to and a working relationship with Dr. X.  I really didn’t think that I would be led down the wrong path here.

     So here’s what I tried and am trying in the 15 minute torture sessions: 

I called DB out on ignoring our daughter.  He is continuing to improve and generally his behavior got better.  Ok – score one for me and the daughter.

Next, I tried discussing how we could focus on our relationship.  There are a lot of empty suggestions here, but I agreed to try the dinner thing IF he can call and tell us when he will be home so we are not disappointed.  So far this is not working.

I even tried to bring up work or ask about things I knew were important to either DB or myself.

Then, in a half-hearted attempt I tried talking about how things would or could be better.

None of this worked.  I was not surprised, but I kept plugging away anyway.  So time wore on and I had more conversations with myself.  But even I am a broken record.

However, not being totally deluded about the situation, I still am keeping tabs on DB (checking phone and financial records and things like that).  Sometimes I can’t seem to help myself, but I’ve checked his phone too.  I’ll tell him when I do this however, he seems unphased.  He just makes his snarky remarks and tries to hurt me.  At this point I feel desperate to regain some kind of control over my life….even if it’s the part where DB won’t exist anymore.

From this, my attitude started to change….I am feeling just a bit more positive about myself but in the same breath, I am scared to death about the outcome and possibilities of this……although I may fail I know that I am NOT a failure at anything.  I will rework something until I get it “right.”  This is why I think it is so difficult for ME to come to terms with what is happening.

What I didn’t realize how much DB really wanted to hurt me until I decided not to fail and to stand up for myself……

Out of Body Experience

I FREAKED OUT!!!!

I tried, really I have been trying to talk to DB – and yes, I know that it is futile, but I can’t help but think that there is a good man in there somewhere and it is my mission to bring him back…..I could do it, I can save our marriage…I know this isn’t the end….I won’t LET it be the end.  There has to be something we can work on…some shred of US left.

Not for DB.

He told me in no uncertain terms – in that snide and egotistical manner —  “I don’t love you.  You and the kids mean nothing to me.”  But his actions speak even louder.  He’s started to ignore our daughter – he’s making a show of talking to our son.  He won’t show up for events when we need him here – heck he isn’t even showing up for dinner anymore.  And then to top it off, the cell bill came up on line….he’s over on his text messages (guess who he’s been texting?).  DB is also over on his minutes.  We’ve never done this – not between the two of us.  DB’s been talking to her every day on his way home from work – this is why we can’t get a hold of him even when MY daughter had an emergency at school this week.  Straight to voicemail. How can he ignore the kids?  He knows they look forward to his calls so they can “prepare” for him to come home.   He won’t even answer his email when I need something.  But wait, he’s been emailing her every night, every day, and it’s so bad that he texts and talks to her when he’s supposed to be responsible for the kids.

ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. How much can one woman take? 

It’s one thing to say we failed each other but failing his children is an entirely different matter.

So I waited until the kids were in bed and asleep.

I couldn’t take it anymore.  My entire body was vibrating with anger – I started shouting “WHY ARE YOU RUINING MY LIFE??? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?”  Then I did the unthinkable, I grabbed DB by the t-shirt and pulled him toward me shouting in his face. “You’re a pathetic, weak excuse of a man.  WHY do you insist on staying?  If you love SB so much get the hell out.  Leave! She can leave her husband and kids, you can leave us and go be one happy couple.  BUT GET THE HELL OUT OF THIS HOUSE. I deserve better and my kids deserve better.  I can’t even believe I married you….what do you even have to offer?  I HATE YOU!!!! Do you hear me? I HATE YOU!!! WHY are you RUINING my LIFE???”

During this rant I had grabbed DB by the collar of his t-shirt.  I wound my fingers through the fabric and tightly, securely grabbed hold.   I shook him – the entire time I was letting all of the negative energy out of me I was shaking DB by the collar.  I kept screaming “GET OUT!!!!”  I couldn’t stop  myself – I didn’t know where that pent-up anger had come from – all I knew was that I WANTED ANSWERS!!

But DB wouldn’t leave.  DB didn’t leave.  He just sat there and looked past me – he looked right through me.

I was so scared and stunned by my actions I started shaking.  Who was this crazed woman?

Finally, I grabbed DB’s face and forced him to look at me – “Get OUT!  Please leave us alone and leave.  Stop this and go – live your new life with SB,”  the words seethed pleadingly out of my mouth.  Then, beaten but stoic I walked upstairs, sat down in our bathroom, and cried.

Words that CUT and Doubts

Mobilizing was easy – I had amassed a huge paper trail. There wasn’t an account document that existed in our house that I didn’t have a hard copy of or access to. I started keeping tabs on everything. Then i took over the checkbook. I would know where everything that could be used in a court of law was at all times.
Next, I began to amass more evidence to prove what was going on. I knew all of his email passwords. I also knew that he was contacting her via text and cell. When I checked his work email I could forward all of them to one of my accounts.
This was when I found out that she was making him lunch at night and leaving it in the fridge at work, she would tell him what she was wearing the next day at work so he could think about her — it was like watching two middle school students. It made me sick – but I wanted the proof. It was also like I couldn’t stop.
Then I made a fatal mistake. I forgot to delete my forwarded email from his account. This STUPID mistake – after everything.

DB found out. We fought, using angry, bitter, and hateful words.
DB “I can’t trust you. You’re always on my case wondering what I am doing, where I am going, who I am with.”
ME “Really, HOW can I trust you? You’re saying you love me and want to work on things, but in the next second you’re all about SB. You don’t love me.  Trust is NOT something you know about.”
DB “You’re right I don’t love you. I don’t know what I ever saw in you. I can’t believe we ever had anything in common.”
ME “Then GET OUT! Leave – pack your stuff and LEAVE.”
DB “I don’t want to leave. Why don’t you leave?”
ME “Waht do you want then?”
DB “I don’t know. But I don’t think it’s you.”
ME “Well then you don’t want our family either. Pack your things and GET OUT!”
DB “I’m not leaving and I’m not changing. I’m going to talk to SB and email her and there’s nothing you can do now, I’m changing all of my passwords.”
ME “Go ahead! You’re pathethic. You’re weak. You can’t even make a decision. ”
DB “I don’t love you. I want a divorce.”
ME “Then get out and leave. Go shack up with SB and see what happens to her life – because she’ll never see her kids again. And if you think people respect you at work you’re on drugs.”

DB “I’m not leaving.”

And that was that.  Technically and legally I can’t force him to leave unless I file for divorce and I don’t know if I’m there yet.  It should probably seem like I should have filed so very long ago, but it’s really hardly been any time at all.  It doesn’t make the words easier to digest, but we never really fought before this — and I mean never. 

As much as I want DB to leave because he’s selfish and a complete ass, I want him to stay.  I’m afraid.