Standing up and the Compromise

Promptly DB entered the house, glared, made a snide comment about the door, and dragged himself up the stairs and crashed in our bed.  Discussion over.  It didn’t matter that I tried to talk to him.  In hindsight talking would have been futile anyway.

In the morning he decided to sleep in so I handled everything with the kids.  We went to tutoring, sports, and ran around in the morning.  Much to my surprise DB was upset when I came home. He didn’t understand why I hadn’t woken him up to help in the morning and asked why I hadn’t called to let him know where we were.  This was pretty much how we ran our lives.  Two separate people living together.

Seriously here, who was this man kidding??  If he couldn’t call and ran his own schedule – shouldn’t he be treated the same?  Our lives weren’t going to be on-hold just because DB decided to rearrange his life.  You can’t just decide to stay out all night with another woman when you are married and expect life to remain normal.  Did DB not realize that he just drew a huge line in the sand?

No he didn’t.

While DB watched TV with the kids, I chose to read in another room.  I couldn’t sit with them anymore and pretend that life was normal.  My stomach turned constantly wondering if this would be the last time he played with our kids in our house.
DB did take time to come in to talk to me about what happened.  He even offered an apology – for threatening me on the phone.  However, he didn’t say a word about spending the evening with another woman.  During this time we laid out some ground rules about where we would like to see this “relationship” and how we should treat each other.  What the rules are doesn’t matter – it’s whether or not we both want to work on this relationship or if he is done.  It’s difficult to still want a relationship with your husband, but realizing that he doesn’t want you or your family anymore is unbelievable.

Our final compromise is that DB lives in the office, we stay in counseling with Dr. X, and I hold dinner until 5:30 – when he returned from work.  But how long would these silly, but perhaps needed rules even hold?  And does it really matter?  I am too exhausted to think about it….

Worn: down and almost out

Generally, the new year brings signs of hope, excitement, and optimism.  It’s the whole idea of “new year new you” that has been ingrained into our society.  And although I am not one to make resolutions I try to add one thing to my life that could make it better….sometimes it works or sometimes I give up easily.  But, in the end it all works out.  It has to because that’s how we keep on going.

So the new addition to my life for 2010 is/was to be more positive and try to look for a bit more of the positive.

I would like to say this has been working out.  After Christmas, I came back to work refreshed with a goal in mind.  Life was good.  At home, things had seemed to calm down.  There were a few weeks where things flowed smoothly.  I started to eat a bit again and was actually having civil conversations with DB.

Then, it hit the fan….to say the least.

UGH! Work has been out of control.
The pressures have increased.  People who don’t do their jobs are continually rewarded, our boss has been on a witch hunt singling out people for their “attitudes,” and what we do is never good enough.  The overall feeling in our building is that morale is so  low that there is, in fact, no morale.  It’s difficult, but  I’m trying to be positive by attending a social work outing.  In the office however, the witch hunt has continued.  I mean really…if that many people believe that where we work is so negative shouldn’t a decent boss think to himself – what can I do to help?  What could really be wrong?  How deep does it run?  Instead, he tells his staff that it’s all our fault.  Living in my positive bubble is not working at work….I am failing miserably.  This is the one place I don’t want to fail at right now.  This is my one escape.  My one place that I need to be positive.

Home went down hill just a quickly…
DB is coming home later and later.  So much for the can you hold dinner for me until 5:30 so we can eat as a family?  But then he doesn’t show or call.  Conversation about our relationship has ceased.  I feel as if I am left wondering about our relationship yet again…it is almost like I am delaying the inevitable.  I just don’t have the heart to continue on.  It’s all about being worn down.
Then, my daughter has come home with increasingly more homework – for elementary school!! More than 30 minutes a night is ridiculous.  And this month begins the appointment schedule…dentists, school, haircuts, tutoring, sports…!  Like most women I know it is our job to do the running.

How much is one woman supposed to take on?  How much is one woman supposed to handle?  Where is the equity in roles between men and women?  Not 100% equity but even 30/70 would be  nice…perhaps even ideal.

I am worn down…trying to avoid the worn out. It is a slippery slope.
In a few weeks, there’s an extra day off and I want to use it as a positive…spend time with the kids…maybe treat myself to a pedicure…maybe get up the courage to put myself out there and try talking with DB again.

However, for tomorrow I am making my friends at work go to lunch.  We’ve been working through lunch lately…so unchaining myself form my desk and going to the cafeteria will be nice…maybe we can laugh…because boy do we need it now to not fall down the slippery slope to worn out.

Giving Thanks: part two

Overall the weekend was ok.  It was good and then it became frustrating and confusing, but ended up ok.

Thanksgiving went very well.  We spent the day with my family and didn’t see his.  Although DB invited his parents over for dessert, they declined the invitation to see us and the kids so they could go home to take care of their dog – even though they had a dog-sitter for the day.  Usually this kind of behavior sends me over the edge…I just can’t understand how anyone could put an animal over a human, but I know it happens all the time.  So I let it roll.  And, anyway, it gave me more time to spend with my family.  I was really proud of the entire lot of them – the were civil to DB and didn’t act up or out about the situation.  It was easy to see that DB was uncomfortable and testing out waters, but my family totally rocks…and they were themselves…kind, nice, and even friendly.

However, in a way, I knew my one day of peace was too much to ask for.  During the day DB kept creeping away to check his phone which would vibrate every once in a while in his pocket.  This is where I was shocked that no one in the family said anything.  It was much easier to ignore him.
Then, I went out shopping on black Friday.  I was unsettled from the day and waiting for a shoe to fall so since I couldn’t sleep I got up early and left the house.  During that morning, I know that DB spent time (over an hour and a half of time) on the phone with SB instead of playing with the kids.  The irony of this was that he begged me to keep our son home so he could spend quality time with him.

     Then, suddenly, on Friday night – DB’s head spun around and he spit out split pea soup!  He suggested we get the Christmas tree and decorate it this weekend.  I was wary. What did he want?  But, lo an behold, DB was on a mission.  He and our son picked out a tree that was at least 9 feet tall.  I was stunned. Do you know how much a tree like that costs?  But Scrooge was all about plunking down the cash – EVEN – after I told him that he had to put the lights on because there was no way I could even reach the top of the tree with a step ladder.  And miracle of all miracles, DB hadn’t even taken his phone with him when we went.
     Saturday night DB acted like a little kid putting on the lights, smiling, joking around, and even suggested we decorate the tree on Sunday before going back to work. 
Bah Humbug!
     I tried to put on a smile, but there were so many lingering doubts in my mind that I couldn’t quite wrap my head around what was going on.  I wanted to believe this was a new DB, but really know better.  The storybook character of Scrooge might be able to change in one night, but DB?  I don’t think he was haunted by ghosts.

So – I had to ask myself – Who is this man?
What happened to the cell phone attached DB?

But on Sunday, after spending the whole day with his side of the family, we decorated the tree together – all four of us.  There was no yelling on his part and no shortness of temper.
Was God giving me a Thanksgiving miracle?

I am wary, to say the least, about DB’s behavior.  There is always some kind of string attached to his being a family man. I don’t know when it will pop up, but maybe I should believe in miracles?

Utter Frustration

Dealing with DB is taking up too much of my life.  I can’t spend everyday all day wondering what he’s thinking, what he’s doing or who he is with.  It’s just too overwhelming!!!

So between today and yesterday I had a complete meltdown.

Normally, I am on top of everything.  I can juggle, manage, and tap dance all at the same time.  I’m a mom, I work outside the home, and I am a wife…it’s expected of me right??? But I can’t seem to hack it at work right now.  I go in early, spend the entire day busy, running around, and trying to implement new and creative ideas into my work.  I KNOW this is what makes me a good professional and if I was sitting stagnant, it would kill me, but just for a week or two I would love to “let work run itself.”  I need a break.

Then, I get home yesterday and my daughter starts reading her homework.  At the bottom I see that she has the day off for election day…..UGH….. NO FREAKING WAY —HOW HOW HOW did I miss this????  It’s not on a single calendar and I missed the day totally.  I don’t have the day off of work, my son still has preschool, and here is my daughter with the day off??????  How could this have happened to me? ME – queen of organization – color coded freak – total type-A personality…. it just doesn’t happen….EVER!

It took everything I had to call my father and see if he was available to “hang” with my daughter today.  It really took every fiber of my being not to cry.  I know I am super lucky to have such a wonderful father, but I don’t like imposing on him and he’s been wonderful about helping me out since DB and I started to fall apart.  I need a break.

It can’t be the full moon.
It can’t be that it was Halloween.
It can’t be that everyone at work is feeling overwhelmed.

Emotionally I am drained, done, and completely defeated.  I feel as if I’ve been thrown in a pool and haven’t learned how to swim – so I am paddling to save my life.

When will I be able to relax – even for a minute?
When will DB step up and help more?
When will I just be able to let some things go and KNOW that it is ok?

I can’t be everything to everyone all the time.  I need a break.